Day 86

another 5 days to month 4!

skin is still stable with no major flare up: minimal itching, little burning, very little zinger sensation. i have been waking up with nice and dry skin that doesn't itch terribly and isn't mushy and red and gross, unlike last week.

thinking back, i'm almost absolutely certain now that Egoderm was the culprit that was hindering my skin from getting better. removed from the equation and replacing it with Suubalm, improvement was visible within days.

this has me feeling mortified that i had allowed it to go on for so long. but in my defense, everything else irritated my skin even more than Egoderm.

Day 83 - Finally Improvement

Good lord, the itching has finally subsided!!! For the entire week I've been battle this terrible, horrific itching that demands and screams out to be scratched. I had several guesses on the cause but I'm still unable to identify it for sure. The few things that have changed:

- menses has ended
- stopped taking the additional chinese herbs
- switched from egoderm to suubalm as advised by my TCM accupuncurist

I can't tell for sure which it is, but this is definitely a positive step forward. The last few days were agonising, fighting the itch and losing. As i scratched, i tore my skin up and sighed with frustration at the many backward steps, not to mention i could scarcely concentrate on anything that i was doing without breaking into a scratch fest. Yes, even at work.

Anyway that's gone for now, and my skin is much calmer now.

I can do several things that I haven't been able to in the last 2 months - clenching my fists together, holding a fork and knife to slice up my food, hold and write with a pen, even holding things in general with my right hand. Previously, all these caused me pain because my fingers were so swollen and inflammed. Now I can do all these again.

Hurray for little victories!

Day 79

Progressively worsening. One step forward two steps back.

Day 76

Last night was one of the worst flares I've had in recent weeks. The itching lasted a good hour or more before i took an antihistamine pill, knocked myself out and went to bed.

Right now my hands are still very stiff, sore, painful and stinging. Some itching that I'm very very careful about in case i scratch it and trigger another itch attack.

It's still spreading which is super depressing.

I want to try to conjure up some positivity but i can't. I only hope to be able to take solace in the passing of time and eventual healing.

Not sure if i want to continue with the new herbs.

At least the swelling on my fingers has gone down. I'm now. Able to clench my fists again, save for my second finger.

Also,trying to let go of expectations.

Day 76

itch. fucking itchy, all over my hands and right wrist.

tcm dr said that the herbs will cause the toxin to spread out and get milder. also, that during my period, the flare will worsen. very kindly, he gave me an additional dosage of herbs to curb the spreading. today was the first day. it's supposed to be a drying herb.

at dinner, i had yoshinoya + fried chicken wings, dried horfun for lunch.

now i'm itching like crazy.

i don't know which of the above it is.

i'm just still very scared, uncertain, anxious, worried, everything.

Had to pause and head to bathroom to run my hands under running water. still itchy. applied egoderm zinc oxide ointment. FINALLY itching has stopped. not completely stopped, but enough so that i can get on with whatever i'm doing. except that now im no longer in the mood.

hb thinks its the newly introduced herbs, but i highly suspect it's yoshinoya.

Day 75

Today is a bad day again. My hands are blossoming like some kind of disgusting garden. Yesterday was good, but the parts that healed are peeling off and revealing red, spotty skin underneath (again).

More than that, it's the mental anguish that comes along - worry about what colleagues think of my gross shedding hands and piles of skin that fall on my table, the dead skin that clings on to my clothes and look like dandruff flakes. Basically judging me for being a gross person. I am constantly going back to my breath, trying to be mindful and in the moment which i know will help, but is so difficult to do.

So many fears are slowly growing in my mind. So many conflicting thoughts. I have tsw. I don't have tsw. This rash is spreading because of tsw. This rash is spreading because of the tcm treatment. I will recover. I won't recover. See what i mean? I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions by my thoughts.

Anyway, this brings me back to the buddhist teachings that i hold so dearly to my heart. And i keep going back to them to keep myself sane. Maybe I'll talk about that one day.

Day 72

Today I applied zinc oxide again. To be specific, it's Egoderm Ointment, which contains 15% of that stuff.

A few hours after application, I washed it all off because it completely dried out my skin and my hands were feeling super tight and itchy. To my amazement, there were several patches of normal, non-red skin on the back of my right hand now. I'm ecstatic because if this isn't a sign of improvement I don't know what is!

I've been very diligently taking my herbal drink and supplements, so this most definitely is contributing.

I also had a long weekend and managed to stay A/C free for a good part of the day.

I don't know what played the biggest part, but as my hubby keeps telling me, everything counts.

The redness and dry skin is still spreading though (i suspect scratching causes this) so it's way too early to say that my hands are healing, but signs of improvement are certainly welcome.