Day 75

Today is a bad day again. My hands are blossoming like some kind of disgusting garden. Yesterday was good, but the parts that healed are peeling off and revealing red, spotty skin underneath (again).

More than that, it's the mental anguish that comes along - worry about what colleagues think of my gross shedding hands and piles of skin that fall on my table, the dead skin that clings on to my clothes and look like dandruff flakes. Basically judging me for being a gross person. I am constantly going back to my breath, trying to be mindful and in the moment which i know will help, but is so difficult to do.

So many fears are slowly growing in my mind. So many conflicting thoughts. I have tsw. I don't have tsw. This rash is spreading because of tsw. This rash is spreading because of the tcm treatment. I will recover. I won't recover. See what i mean? I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions by my thoughts.

Anyway, this brings me back to the buddhist teachings that i hold so dearly to my heart. And i keep going back to them to keep myself sane. Maybe I'll talk about that one day.

Day 72

Today I applied zinc oxide again. To be specific, it's Egoderm Ointment, which contains 15% of that stuff.

A few hours after application, I washed it all off because it completely dried out my skin and my hands were feeling super tight and itchy. To my amazement, there were several patches of normal, non-red skin on the back of my right hand now. I'm ecstatic because if this isn't a sign of improvement I don't know what is!

I've been very diligently taking my herbal drink and supplements, so this most definitely is contributing.

I also had a long weekend and managed to stay A/C free for a good part of the day.

I don't know what played the biggest part, but as my hubby keeps telling me, everything counts.

The redness and dry skin is still spreading though (i suspect scratching causes this) so it's way too early to say that my hands are healing, but signs of improvement are certainly welcome.

Zinc Oxide - instant itch relief

Previously I poked fun of zinc oxide and I now fully retract my words.

Tonight after eating some ice-cream (Ben & Jerry's, strawberry cheesecake), I started itching so terribly that my newly grown skin was all torn up. I felt SO guilty, I decided to give the ZO ointment another chance. So after running my hands under cold tap water, i smeared a thin layer over the itchy spots. The itching did NOT return thereafter. Amazing! I now view this substance with a  newfound appreciation and respect.

it is, however, NOT a pretty sight at all. behold the monstrosity that is a zinc-oxide coated RSS hand.

Zinc Oxide - How to royally fuck up your dry skin

Coat dry, cracked skin with zinc oxide ointment. This stuff is lovely and gives your dry skin a beautiful white coat that will get into every crack and WILL NOT COME OFF, no matter how much you wash your hands. I'M KIDDING. This stuff is awful.

Edit: update on ZO here

Day 69

Woke up this morning with badly itching hands. I had to take half a day off from work to tend to them, going through multiple cycles of creaming, intense itching, washing under running water. Had a mini meltdown as i sat at my home desk crying and scratching uncontrollably, surrounded by piles of tissue paper and dead skin that i had either peeled from hands or flakes that fell out whilst itching.

It took several hours before my hands settled. For me, my hands are at their worst in the mornings. I suspect this is due to the super-drying a/c. Am seriously considering getting a standing fan to use in my room (we only have an a/c, but no fan in there). Also, the redness / eczema is spreading.

I am terribly afraid of mornings now :(

In other better news, towards evening, my hands began looking much less dry and scaly. The swelling is ever-present but the skin that peeled off yesterday did not grow back, so this contributed to the 'normal' look.

I also tried out Egoderm ointment for the first time.  It is made up of 15% zinc oxide, which gives it a shockingly paste white look. On the plus side, I didn't itch as badly as i normally would with my regular Egoderm cream!

Day 68 - Work Woes

Ever since the onset of my eczema, numerous colleagues had been expressing their concern over the state of my hands - not pleasant at all when the last thing i want to do is draw attention to them. The cringing and horrified expressions only made it that much worse. For my own sanity's sake, I had to tell them that their comments were making me feel bad and I hope not to talk about my hands anymore.

More than that, i really needed to know if this was forming a negative impression in the eyes of the management. Fortunately, my boss was quick to reassure me that nothing of that sort was happening. These talks have been good for me and much stress - workwise - has been lifted.

Today is also the 2nd day of my acupuncture treatment.

Having mixed reactions to the results. Skin is very quickly peeling off, which is normally a good thing. However underneath the peeling skin is raw, pink vesiculated skin - not a good thing! Will see how it goes subsequently. Physician has commented that it might be an adverse reaction to the food that I ate (tze char - yam ring and beehoon). Fingers are still badly swollen, can't fully open or close them.

Meanwhile, am still having difficulty handling things. i managed to work around these issues by eg. using a sling bag for lunch, only wearing loose fitting slip on dresses with zippers, and wrapping tissue paper around my computer stylus.

Day 65 - A Glimmer of Hope

Day 2 after visit to the TCM doctor.

I have since consumed 3 cups (after lunch and after dinner) of the herbal concoction drink that doc has prescribed to me.

A tiny miracle seems to be happening. I can now peel the thickened, dead skin off my hands without any ooze or blistered skin underneath. A small but significant improvement from the past 2 week, when peeling skin would reveal gross, soggy red skin with little red dots, and lots of ooze. Should I chalk it down to the drink? I feel like there's a high possibility because my skin hasn't been this ooze free in almost 2 weeks now. I even had 'junk' food over the weekends - Nasi Lemak, Mookata and honey chicken wings. Reminder to self to return to eating cleanly come tomorrow.

I'm not sure if peeling off the dead skin is a good idea, however, since the super soft and pink skin underneath itches like a bitch. And because it's so soft and unblemished, the temptation to scratch is increased. I have yet to be able to test out the theory that scratching induces more scratching, since I haven't been able to not scratch. I did find that running my hands under cold tap water stops the itch. That has been my itch-stopping strategy so far. Sometimes I make multiple trips to the bathroom because I start scratching all over again. Other than that, it works. Also, keeping my mind distracted helps a great deal. Once my mind gets into the 'scratch-zone', it is near impossible to get it out of there!

Anyway, I am feeling a glimmer of hope right now.  Doc has said, with no small amount of confidence, that his acupuncture treatment will prove effective enough to treat the flare up for the next 4-5 days, relieving the symptom so that the skin will heal itself.

Day 59 - Seeking Treatment

i thought i could handle this on my own, with candida and eczema diets and supplements, but i'm wrong. i wanted to return with triumph to the derm who had gave me a life sentence of steroid treatment, but i can't. at least not for now. that doesn't mean i won't do that in future, it just means now is not the time.

In the few weeks that followed after my return from Bangkok, I had a brief break of 3-4 days. After which a very bad flare came on which quickly spread across my palms and back of my hands (i have NEVER had eczema there before).

This has terrified me so much that i have decided to seek treatment. a colleague had talked to me about how tcm cured her of her psoriasis and i want to give tcm another shot. obviously not with shitty dr ong. this time round, i have found another physician who deals with TSW - yes at this point, i'm starting to suspect that is what i'm experiencing.

withholding his name for the time being, while i experiment with this new treatment

pic below is what freaked me out so badly that i was cowed into seeking outside assistance at last. however i have much hope that this will all turn out right. you can see how the redness has spread and is now glaring and unmistakably RSS, albeit localised on my hands.